I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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