it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
