Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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