We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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