So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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