If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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