I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Randomize
