i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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