can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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