i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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