Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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