There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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