If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
