the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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