why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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