Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize