Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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