my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
