my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
