Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Less talking, more tequila
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
