There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
