paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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