I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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