Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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