I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize