the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
