i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
