Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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