she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
