pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
