He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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