I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
