why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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