This is not my ceiling
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
