i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
