Do you still have your period?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
