you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
