I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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