I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
