The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
