In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
