i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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