SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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