I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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