i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
