left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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