If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
