The maid of honor just puked.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
