guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize