We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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