I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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