at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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