omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
