so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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