You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
