We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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