Tell her she can't have a vagina
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
