wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
