My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Operation Purity has been aborted
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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