shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
