I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
